a tear-stained smile

melancholy days, they say, and the sun hasn't shone in such a great while. i feel the rains pouring and confide in a deliberate comfort. a comfort that never lasts for long. i remember a time when i felt a comfort that surpassed that of a fleeting mood. something more; something substantial; something with meaning. i remember that time i felt loved. not the kind of love that you read about in romance novels but rather a love that pierces through stigmas and stereotypes and foolish hearts with naive intentions. i remember that time you held me and i felt all that hurt inside of me break away--if only for a moment. it was more releasing than any depressing, suicidal, masochistic, apathetic emotion i could ever indulge. and i miss it. i miss having that hope i pushed so hard inside of me to find. i miss the passion i had to discover something more than what i had allowed myself to experience. but things change. lessons are learned. and yes, there are scars. scars i caress lovingly when i'm by myself and care to look back at that time when i evolved into something beyond this stagnant flesh my body has become. i think it would be easier to regret all that has transpired. i think it would ease the pain a little more if i blamed myself or even you. to blame fate, in all its glory, shaking my fist as if an event of opposition would be summoned by my intense fury of emotion. but for that to transpire would mean it meant nothing to me; that it didn't shake my soul, stir my essence, awakened something inside of me no one ever had.

you always hear people say to love is better than to never have loved. well, they're right.

but it still hurts.