containment

i slept hard for that hour. so hard that even when i was dreaming i was still tired and everything was blurry. i dreamt you came back but i was confused. you had left, why did you come back? you didn't seem to answer, though. i was happy regardless, saying i felt like i was in a dream. the heaviness of that sleep carried into waking. i was still unclear of what reality was, or if i was even in it.

is this even reality? is this waif of a life, followed with this intensity of such feelings that won't go away.. is it all real? or a fiction, a story.. something i've convinced myself of.

i am trying to be everything i wasn't. i am trying to better myself from that flawed person i was--that i still am. i read those earlier entries from me, those so long ago entries, and i was so blind. blind with pain, blind to the pain i put others through. i see the error of my ways, though. i am slowly creeping out of this mock shell i created to shield everyone and everything and even myself from what i truly was--what i was scared to show. because i was weak. because i was young. because i was na�ve.

things will get better. i just wish you'd believe it.