it's real, i'm free

i was going to go to bed but decided to write in here instead.

there are things on my mind.

i have to come to a realization of sorts. one of many.

(raises eyebrow)

i really should write this in my RL diary... hmm, i will. just in more detail.

ok, continuing on.

my realization, yes. my first one, anyway.

what i'm feeling, what i'm feeling... i felt guilty. but i feel like i understand things now. i'm trying to put this as delicately as possible.

(contemplating whether to go on)

ok. i now know why i always felt guilty in the past for things. things as in feelings. i now know why it never felt completely right. it's because there were always underlying feelings in elsewhere places. those underlying feelings were stronger. they're so deep rooted in me. i can't let go. i won't let go. i never let someone sink into me so deep. the only thing i really regret is the fact that it took me this long to realize...to get.

i'm happy. all of this time i considered myself alone. i never was alone... i always had someone. my mind was just too clouded to see that. i feel oddly content. and it feels right. that's how i know it's real. it's the real thing. never before in my life had i let someone so completely inside. i just didn't see it. i took it as another..i don't know. indifference. that's how i've been taking everything. i didn't expect anything from anyone. if i did get something, i knew it wouldn't last long. i expected it wouldn't last long. this has lasted. this feeling has never left. it's the real thing. and i'm just so happy i know that now.

(sighs)

reprecussions are coming, i know. i'm just thankful i didn't screw up a good friendship. that's one situation. the other is more complicated. i don't know how the ending will be. i'm scared. i think it will be ok, though. it will be ok. please be ok.

yeah.

on to the second realization.

my second realization is that my indifferent feelings toward a certain parental figure are growing. this bothers me. it's like i no longer care if i hurt his feelings, no longer care if i obey his rules, no longer care what he thinks of me. these feelings are spawned from the fact that he shows little, if any, respect towards me. in the past i have cared, tried, and obeyed. no longer will i play by those rules. i've found that the only way to get some power and recognition of my own is to question authority, exercise some rebellion, and voice my mind.

i never wanted to be like this. i never was like this. that's the sad thing. i used to be the submissive, compliant one. and if not, i wouldn't take it too far. if hurt or angered, i would hold it in and rarely show it. this obviously got me no where. this behavior has only made me a "push over" in all aspects. i'm sick of being taken advantage of. i will be my own person in my own right.

i only hope i'm not pushed too far. i only hope i don't take it too far. i'm limiting myself, but in the process, exploring new options. i lost that fear which gripped me for so many years. i'm free of that. i've never felt so free in my life. i'm chained, but i have the key.

it's a struggle, but i no longer am unmotivated or intimidated to try.

right now things don't look so bleak. i know they will, but right now they don't.

they don't and it feels so good.

really good.