belated thanksgiving reflection

when you feel so much emotion that your heart could burst, but in a good way. i had this thought that emotions/feelings are sort of like drugs. so intense, so amazing initially.. but then they become less intense, still enjoyable, but manageable. is that age? all i know is that i still have those times where i feel so intensely, like now, but it's great when there's years and times and experiences and wisdom behind it. like doing drugs while informed instead of being blind and going into it without any experience. this is my analogy because this is what's coming to my mind at the moment.

i recently graduated with a doctoral degree and it blows my fucking mind. how the fuck did i get where i am? sometimes it feels like a fluke, like i got a lucky hand of the draw.. this was not meant to happen, but it did. this doesn't mean life is easy now. it only means that i worked fucking hard despite the messed up shit i was dealt and all the situations i brought upon myself. i used to feel so weak, but now i know i'm a strong mother fucker. and i say it with a laugh and a smile and a tear because that's the only way i know how to express it. the older i become the more i understand why certain people were not positive people in my life. i took it so personally when it was just their own shit. i was just so sensitive, an idealist, feeling like justice should always be served.

i'm at the point now that i understand better and feel less intensely, but don't choose to be around those that hurt me. i wonder if in another 10 years that will change. getting older is interesting. this living thing is interesting. and i'm happy that i've kept up with diaryland this long. i see how silly and hurt and real i've been. and for those who still read this you know me better than anyone. because this is where i am the most real. it will probably be the place that i will always be most real.

i'm happy i have this. i'm grateful.