i need to know

i don't have anything witty or strategic to say. i'm just at that old place.. the familiar which is becoming not so familiar. sadness isn't so easy as it once was. i almost wish it was.. at least now. because it would mean a release of emotions. i'm releasing now. tears fallen by myself. thinking, why mom? i was there too. but i didn't do what you did. i guess i wasn't sick enough. i'm just stuck here being strong.

"how are you here?"

i am here, i am here, i am life, i am eternal life.

but no. it's automatic. slightly less interesting. just is. i do because. what? i have too much common sense to repeat what's been done. not enough wisdom to stop what i do. in this in between. hoping to make a change in you when i struggle to make a change inside myself.

ironic.

do you read this? do you dare look at this and see my pain? you're a masochist if you do. what's the point. sometimes there's no point.

i still wait for that time when you reach outside yourself and say hello.

i'll be waiting.