just go

i sit slouched. thoughts running amok in the chaos of my head.. i wish it only to be stilled. maybe i'm selfish in hoping for a short life. maybe that's all i feel i need. the waste in investing so heavily in a future i don't see.. self-fulfilling prophecy? maybe. but why not make life what you want it? it's like what you told me before. i feel like i'm a spirit trying to live a human existence.. and never quite fitting. all i can do now is throw caution to the wind and experience something real before it all ends. i'm not running.. i'm attempting to find that which has always driven me. i've lost that but in my search i hope to find something more. everything seems so futile sometimes.. not necessarily hopeless, just redundant and taxing on the soul. and for what? and for what..? i have nothing here. maybe i never did. maybe i convinced myself to justify my actions. and maybe this is all rhetorical bullshit. maybe this all means nothing.

maybe this all means something.