moving further from myself

i had the intention of writing something here tonight. what really, i'm not sure. all i know is there is a violent surge of emotion brewing inside of me that i just can't contain. smile, laugh, look happy. it seems so easy. it seems so excruciating. and things aren't so simple as that. you wouldn't understand even if i told you. and this seems so dramatic. and maybe it is. the only person who would understand i push further and further away. maybe what is good for me isn't what i need right now. but as usual, i must keep people happy; happy till i explode inside and you can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me. but maybe i'm just one of THOSE girls. you know the kind. the ones who pop pills and slice their wrists for fun. the ones who participate in casual sex to feel loved by a dad who was never there and a mom they wish that wasn't. or we could blame the times or drugs or apathy that has set in to such a vast majority of youth. this is why i am the way i am. but then again, you don't know me. you don't know the shit i feel inside. and no, i don't tell you. maybe i think you wouldn't give a rat's ass even if i did tell you. and what then? what would you do with what i told you? you'd swallow it whole and shit it out this is my life this is my life this is my life. and none of this has come out right. and my cheeks are sticky with salt but that's ok. and i'm overusing AND but i don't give a fuck. and i sat in my car contemplating how beautiful this miserable moment was. but you'd never understand. and how could you? and maybe this is just me being unable to open up. i am a real life interpretation of cognitive dissonance. fit me into whatever category you choose. weird, freak, lame. mold me into your image so i might conform to your standards. i find myself compromising my beliefs for you. i find myself changing for you. and i hate myself for it. because i will never be what you want. only a toy to play with when you're bored. sometimes exciting, sometimes not. i'm not so fun right now, though, am i? i'm on the ground just waiting for you to throw me away.

i wrote with the intention of writing something, anything, and i did. i've said it before and i'll say it again: expression is a godsend.