growth

i have a lot on my mind right now.. however, i'm finding it hard to express--finding it hard to conjur the words to describe it appropriately. it's something and nothing at all. it's a rememberance of what i was and what i am and what i'm becoming.

i look back at my old entries and it makes me sad for what feelings i had to go through before i could come to the realization that all of it was necessary. every tear, every bout of depression, every suicidal tendency, all the self-hate and masochism and insecurity and loneliness and isolation and on and on and on. at the time i didn't want to be like all the stupid teenagers i saw.. all the drama, the selfishness that comes with adolescence and the inability to realize that the world does not revolve around them nor are they alone in their sorrow. but looking back, i guess i was like them. perhaps not so absurdly (i'd like to think, anyhow), but not so different either. but i guess that's how life is. it's all about the growing process... growth through tragedy.

i mean, seriously, life was never meant to be peachy keen or beautiful. it can at times have these characteristics, but life itself is not a series of wonderful occurences. life is painful. life is tragic. life is death at its end.

and i'm fine with this. i know you have to go through life alteringly sad circumstances to learn anything about anything and to gain any sort of knowledge or wisdom. you can't go through life in a beautiful bubble, deceivingly unaware of how pain is intricately woven into near every experience.

the secret is to learn from your experiences. grow and become a better person from it. understand how those experiences were necessary, how each and every tragedy has its purpose. self-pity does nothing. it only keeps you stuck, keeps you from becoming more than what you are. acceptance is the key. forgiveness more so. everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand that reason. hate and hostility over negative occurences doesn't change anything, it doesn't help you.

i'm just going through a series of changes in my previous beliefs; beliefs that were drilled into me and only continued my destructive path. i'm letting go of other peoples dogma.

don't listen to them, dont listen to me. find out for yourself. question your beliefs. realize on your own.

be free.