depressed

i just got home from school and i want to die.

i always wanted to start out an entry that way..

no, i don't want to die. i just want to sleep for a very long time. although that rarely helps.

a little bit of writing combined with some korn may do some good. or the complete opposite. you never know. well, that might be an option depending if i choose to do homework and studying vs the above.

i guess i'm in one of those moods. no, i know i am. this usual happens when i let my thoughts get the best of me. i think that's my problem. i start thinking and then i realize stuff which would have been better not realized. it's like that quote, "ignorance is bliss". but it really isn't. and neither is the latter. so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. maybe i should just embrace the rock and stop looking at everything as being stuck.

but that's how i feel.

i'm stuck, confined, chained, glued, held down, imprisoned, whatever term you choose. and it's not just from people. it's from myself. i'm just as bad as everybody else. and the fact that i know i'm as bad as everyone else yet do nothing about it makes me worse.

i'm not really making much sense now am i?

it's alright, i'm not trying to. i'm just spurting out whatever nonesense comes out of my head. it tends to make me feel better. which pisses me off. when i'm like this i want to stay like this. isn't that morbid? i'm happy when i'm depressed. but i'm more aware of things and see things better for what they are. when i'm not like this i usually brush things aside. important things. things that actually matter in life.

sighs.

don't worry, i'll be ok.

it doesn't really matter.