first entry

first entry:

sometimes life really sux.

then this happens.

let me explain myself....

it all started on june 15. the day my dad died. i still haven't gotten over that... then in september my grandma went into a coma. and in october my little nephew died. now, my great-grandma died on the 14th of this month.

what is wrong with this picture?

nowadays i try to drown my emotions in things which probably aren't that good for my health. loud music, too. my grandpa thinks i'm weird. maybe he's right.

sometimes i'm disgusted with myself. i do things which i know i shouldn't... but still, i don't stop myself. i'm constantly afraid i'm going to turn into my mom. no... i don't think i'd ever allow myself to get to that point.

god, i hope not.

i don't want to change. last year i was completely unhappy with myself, but yet, now i find myself struggling to retain that which i so resented. i don't understand myself. i guess i view what i was then, as better then what i see myself becoming. that's the real question, though.

what am i becoming?

the events that happen in our lives shape and mold what we become. our reactions to those events show who we really are.

my reactions scare me.