a phone call never rattled me so heavily

i think of solo days.

it creeps up on me, these thoughts. i think of things that need to happen to make it so. i think of things that have and will hinder at making it so.

i fear entrapment.

gone are the days that i craved closeness and security. i don't know if those days left with misha; all i know is that there is an emptiness inside of me that is not easily filled. not by prospective suitors anyway.

are you comfortable in this limbo your life has become? in a sense, yes. it may seem sad and strange to you but it's the only thing that appears constant anymore. the uncertainty is the only thing that has become certain anymore. this is my existential concern. on an intellectual level i know that perhaps this isn't the most healthy of thinking. and perhaps on another level i realize that this is all temporary, like those sad, emo entries i used to write in my teens (and not so distant 20's).

so be it then. i am resigned to a temporary insanity, a knowing maladaptive way of functioning. when i am ready i will be done with these silly and foolish ways.

i've been sleeping by myself the past few nights and there's a sick comfort in the loneliness. it feels familiar, it almost feels right. almost. but deep down i know this is not my destiny. this sad, easy, melancholy way of thought is so outdated, so mundane. so fucking banal.

and yet here i am.

i'll allow it though, if just for tonight. a bit of sadness never hurt me too much.

it hurts so good.

there she goes again. sigh.