i dreamt you crossed the ocean

i save all of his voice mails. i listen to them from time to time just to remember.

the good, the bad.

i hate him and i love him. i don't feel anything at all towards him. maybe i saw too much of myself in this man. maybe through him i tried to save myself. and through him i failed. i failed so miserably.

i can open the door but you must walk through it. i can't seem to close it though. not yet, not just yet. but each moment it stays open the weight of this door pulls me in.

closer and closer i became more like you. and it disgusted me.

fast forward to the present. all the colors seem a little faded, slightly monochrome, maybe a bit blurred. i treasure this lack of feeling though. this lack of extreme emotion and na�ve attachment is comforting when so much emotion was exerted in such a small span of time. i just am and it's nice not to have to question that.

i am a little more careful now, a little more wary. a little more broken, a little more damaged.

everything happens for a reason.

i've always said this ^. i'm just left picking up the pieces wondering why.