only myself

why can't i believe in myself? why is there doubt? why must i look to other's opinions for my own emotions?

confliction is my middle name, it seems. is it wrong to love 2 people? i try to be honest, open, and empathetic to your feelings. i will always value yours over mine. i feel as if i am doing not only you, but myself, an injustice.

i am flawed. eternally flawed and ugly beyond my own sight. i am ashamed of myself lately. i don't like who i've become. it's the same words i said 6 years ago. maybe i've never liked who i was. always struggling towards self-improvement. there's always work to be done with me. so many mistakes. sometimes i wonder how anyone could love me. maybe it's all physical, maybe it's the guys i attract or am attracted to. it's all the same in the end, i suppose. it doesn't change the situation. analyzing the situation doesn't change anything, nor does it explain itself. lost in this state of confusion with conflicting emotions that i just cannot fucking understand.

sigh. some of it's out. just stop these dreams, please. it's a torture to sleep everynight, i'm afraid to close my eyes. plauged by insomnia, the only way i sleep anymore is through a drunken stupor. pathetic, like me. my mind races with my failures and lessons i've yet to learn. i'm 22 and still dealing with the same asinine issues i was when i was 14.

i feel like a child trying to act like an adult.

i don't have any parental figure to look to though. only myself, always myself.