woke up in the morning with those same swollen eyes

i feel like a coward. it was that sadness inside of you i wanted to quench. i recognized in you what had always seemed to be in me. funny the things you don't realize when you're young. i figured if i couldn't find any happiness in this world i could at least give some to you. i never realized what i got myself into. it's an unfortunate thing when you can bring so much happiness to a person's life, but they just can't seem to do the same for you, much as you wish they could. and in the state i am, that's how it seems to be. i wanted so much for you to be able to make me happy. and i waited, it felt like i waited really long. and then it just got to that point of you or your actions making me more sad then happy. i wish i could make you understand how fiercely sensitive i am to peoples emotions. i thought about it today: people in helping fields are such masochists. they're able to help people because they understand. you affect me so much in ways you'll probably never know. you make me feel more than anyone could. i was so numb and guarded in the beginning. but look at me now. you talk about a connection, and i feel we have that. you feel like you've lost something, but i feel like we could never lose this. you feel rejected, like you're not special, when that couldn't be further than the truth. but this is just my view of it, one of many. and you're right: it's the same shit with a different smell. but i digress. the pain of our relationship slowly began to outweigh the joy of it. even before the boyfriends, the thoughts. the seed was planted far in the beginning, needing only to young, naive kids drunk on emotions we didn't understand. i sort of feel like we were doomed from the beginning. it's like yin and yang; you need someone to balance. but we were so much the same in that way. and what was so great at one point slowly tipped scales. again, i feel like a coward. coward that i couldn't stick it out, couldn't take the sadness. and that's basically what it comes down to. it wasn't you, it's what we made us feel. i think we both handled it differently, the sadness we brought out in each other. i don't know how much a part drugs played. it probably would have ended the same, just a different time span. so now you know the truth. i'm drawn to both sadness and joy. drawn to you who makes me so sad. drawn to these guys who make me so happy. and it's all so new to me. i look back at who i used to be. so hopeless, so sunken into what i had felt for such a large part of my life. and now i'm experiencing other things than that. i can't help but like it. i can't help but want it. i can't help but want to get out of this darkness i've been in. but it breaks me because you're still there and i can't get you out. i feel like for one of us to be happy, the other has to sacrifice the other's happiness. it's all so wrong, that's not how it's supposed to be.. is it? i'm so confused. confused by the complete happiness i feel and the utter sadness that makes me want to slash my wrists with an incredible fury. it's all so intoxicating in the worst kind of way. i just want to get away from that. i want to find a comfortable bubble of happiness, not caring anymore on how real it is. i just wish we could be happy at the same time. it sounds so mundane, so trivial, too simple almost. a simple concept with a complex outcome. what do i do? i feel like the very person i used to goto advice for is the person i don't understand. we're so blocked by this hurt; this shield of sadness that nothing seems able to penetrate. but still i persist. i just want to see you smile again.