you thought it would all come together

you're on the bed and i'm writing this. you are innocent of what i am about to say, but you are not unexpecting. you've seen it coming all along even when i said it twice before and again and again and again and god i'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

another realization maybe, but not so much as something new. something old, but something peaceful, in the way that i know how things have to be.. even if it means me dying just a little bit inside. or maybe more.

but you don't know this. now, not as you sleep, so peacefully, blissfully unaware.

and i look at you and it's sad. what can i say? what can i say that hasn't already been said. they call me eccentric and maybe they're right. i am different-- i am not the norm--

this is all so futile in the grand scope of things.

you will read this and you will read it too late. i am writing this and it is much too late. i should be sleeping. i shouldn't be half-assedly drunk trying to write these thoughts down when they are anything but decipherable and all but understandable.

i love you but this just isn't working. look at me:

i am not ready for this. i am not ready for any of this. i am here and i am doing this for you and me sometimes but right now this has to stop.

this makes no sense.

i'll explain it to you in the morning. or night. or maybe i won't say anything at all. but i know i will-- deep down i know it will all come out. and where will you be then? what will you say? will you react in the same way? will you leave me as i am?

4:48.

and still nothing said.