i sigh because i am tired

there are 2 sides of me:

the first side doesn't want or need anyone. i call this the "conditioned" side. i call it this because of past circumstances and situations that shaped me heavily at such a young and fragile age. this side has come to this way of thinking on order for survival-- in order to avoid insanity through disappointment from others. people always disappoint in the end. people always hurt you. people are not to be trusted. they don't care about you. no one is sincere. you are your only friend. this is my conditioned side.

the second side of me is the "developing" side. it is the side of me that is trying through great lengths to disregard the conditioned side. the side that is trying to convince me that my conditioning is unhealthy and not necessarily true. people can care. people can be sincere, and i can't just depend on myself my whole life. this is my developing side.

there are times in my life when things are good, things are pleasant, but something will come along and ruin it all. it doesn't even have to be something big. it can be small, and slowly fester in my head. i can deny it for sometime, but then i will let my conditioned side over power my developing side and it feels so GODDAMN COMFORTING.... god, this is so unhealthy. i am so unhealthy. my relationships with people are so fucking unhealthy.

this entry isn't helping me. it's not coming out right.

i am in a horrible state of thinking right now but it will simmer down soon.

sigh for me, sigh for myself.

i sigh because i am tired.