moving beyond this

when i was a child i felt burdened by the expectations of those around me. not positive expectations, but expectations that i would become nothing, do nothing, and end up like the rest of my dilenquent family.

well, not so.

but here i am, burdened, yet again by the expectations of those around me. not by family - not even myself - but those who are closest and furthest away from me.

i cannot be held responsible for other people's happiness. i cannot be held responsible for an ideal in your head. i am responsible for myself, and myself only. i do not expect others to bring me happiness. i do not expect their actions to bring me happiness. i only hold myself accountable for the way i feel.

before i was petrified of letting people down. i was afraid they would abandon me or think horrible thoughts about me. sometimes i would do near anything to keep people happy. sometimes i would test people with mind games and manipulation to see if they really would stay around or abandon me like others seemed to have so very long ago.

both behaviors only backfired. i have been abandoned and people do think horrible thoughts about me. but i no longer care as i once did. my apathy has not only extended beyond myself, but has made its way towards others. i find it completely time consuming to even believe that i could ever make other people happy. much of the time i can't even make myself happy. what logic ever brought me to the conclusion that i could impact others in that way?

so, it is with these continuous and perhaps self-helping or self-hindering and also never-ending realizations that i continue my path towards self-discovery and betterment.

we are individuals. we are flawed. i am flawed. in the grand scope of everything, i am nothing. but that doesn't excuse me. it doesn't take away certain responsibilities i have toward myself and my future. whatever the future holds, i cannot give myself up to negativity. i cannot let myself be consumed like i once almost was. i have seen things - realized things - that have forever changed my perspective on life.

time seems to be the only thing in my way.