i know too much

i can't stop shaking and my heart is thumping at an abnormal rate.

my god, this has to stop.

i'm going to have a mental breakdown. this goddamn fluctuation is killing me. i was an idiot to ever believe that things could turn right. not now. i know not now. it's too late already. things have progressed beyond me and i can't compose myself and pretend that this means nothing. i'm in pain and the hope that things are getting better only to see otherwise is so fucking conflicting i just want it to end.

isn't it so fucking wonderful when i can't say shit to you and i have to write it online just to express it to something?

sighs.

it's out. i'm sorry. please forgive me.