barefoot and broken

here i am, sitting in a chair. slouched, hair messy, and the usual cold feet. i sit and i read things. i read things that pain me. and then i look down. look to the ground, not sure really as to what i'm feeling. a small case of apathy sets in. a forced apathy meant to cope for the brewing emotions that are cooking within me. but it's ok. after i type these words i will go and take a shower. i will then write a paper or 2 and clean my room. maybe i'll go to the laundry mat and wash some clothes. and then i'll come back home and listen to music which will set me in another mood which will require more apathy and less feeling. i will then go meet a friend and talk a bit and feel loopy and be "happy" momentarily. i will then eventually return home and perhaps watch a movie. and of course, i will be reminded of things. and i will be blurry eyed for a bit until i control the physical expression of compacked emotions. and later on i will lay in my bed in the usual fetal position while holding my childhood bear, kris kringle. perhaps i will think too much on a subject, something i tend to do, and my stuffed bear will be moist from a few tears. but then i'll hold him close and think on days that were happier, think on days that will be happier, and think on a time where i won't have this emptiness that has set in. this emptiness which is all too familiar. and you think i would be used to it. but i'm not. and i really don't want this negativity inside me. i don't want to indulge in the things that got me into this mess.

i just want to find someone who will really understand me. someone who will love me unconditionally. someone who will be patient with me. someone who will read this and won't try and interpret it or figure me out. and most importantly, someone who doesn't know me.

the itching to make up a family emergency and just catch a plane off this island is overwhelming.

i just want to start over again.