euphoria of thought

it's strange how i have these long, drawn out conversations with myself that end up trying to convince me of things that would better suit the moment.

i don't know what the right thing is anymore. i don't know what the wrong is.

all i know is that my emotions continually confuse me and are in constant fluctuation with different circumstances and moments.

emotions are irrelevant.

therefore, i have undergone a change in the way i think, feel, and react.

there are still many flaws with what i'm doing, but it seems to get easier with time.

it seems the only thing that gets through to me is repetition of the same insecurities and situations and circumstances that started this whole agenda of mine in the first place.

i'm not trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do, nor am i saying that this works for everyone.

in a way, i've always known how it would be for me. and it is, and still will be.

i'm glad for my experiences, though. they teach me many things and help me to face my demons which continue to torture my mind.

perhaps the only way to still them is to be passive to all things.

i gain a quiet contentment with all things, as well as myself, when i follow this train of mind.

i understand a lot of my depression and insecurities lie in the fact that i've felt abandoned and alone most of my life (this is trivial in the grand scope of things and i should let this go).

due to coping with certain earlier circumstances in my life, i have learned to adjust with this, and have actually come to depend on isolation as a way to stay alive.

the truth of the matter is, i don't want or really need anyone anymore. and in those rare moments that i do, it is sad, because i can't handle it and it only makes me more depressed because my insecurities are magnified. it only makes me feel even more inadequate and turns me into something i'm not.

by myself, i am content. i may not be happy, but who's to say happiness is something we have to have 24/7? maybe the pursuit of happiness is more trivial than we all think. perhaps it's more important to be genuine, to be real with yourself and others. maybe in someway, that's better.

that's the closest i ever get to feeling happy, anyway.

perhaps just acknowledging this fact will make me less apt to strive for false feelings of happiness.

you see, the truth is i'm tired. deep in the back of my mind i know this ongoing search for happiness will only lead to even more depression. and it has.

so from this point on, i quit. this journey has opened my eyes in so many ways. i've discovered a lot of who i am and am fairly sure of how this will all end.

and i'm not afraid anymore.