latest | older | sign | notes | profile | email | host
may 02, 2002 2:20 p.m. one step closer there is this feeling inside of me that i just can't get out. it's always there and it's inexplicable. there is so much in my head that i want to physically extract. i want to feel--breath--the sickness and understand it. i am going insane--yes, i know--but it's more real than i could ever feel right now. this is happening. life won't let me wallow in the pain like it once did. i loved hating life and myself. it made me into something that didn't care. i was internally free in my prison. so what is this. this is not free. this diary is not free. i need to be honest with myself and you. i can't keep sugarcoating reality. yes, i need to experience this pain and learn from it. i want this. i wanted help but fuck that now. at this moment and time i am too far gone. i want to get to a point where i no longer worry about self-image. no longer care how you feel about me. i want to lose everything again. i can handle it. i can. and if i can't, even better. i want to drive myself over the edge. i don't fucking care. this is not working for me. i want to destroy myself. just not in the way you think. there will be time for life and happiness and a content existence. that time is not now, though. i hope this kills me. |