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may 02, 2002 2:20 p.m.

one step closer

there is this feeling inside of me that i just can't get out. it's always there and it's inexplicable. there is so much in my head that i want to physically extract. i want to feel--breath--the sickness and understand it.

i am going insane--yes, i know--but it's more real than i could ever feel right now.

this is happening.

life won't let me wallow in the pain like it once did. i loved hating life and myself. it made me into something that didn't care. i was internally free in my prison.

so what is this. this is not free.

this diary is not free.

i need to be honest with myself and you. i can't keep sugarcoating reality. yes, i need to experience this pain and learn from it. i want this. i wanted help but fuck that now. at this moment and time i am too far gone.

i want to get to a point where i no longer worry about self-image. no longer care how you feel about me. i want to lose everything again.

i can handle it. i can. and if i can't, even better. i want to drive myself over the edge.

i don't fucking care. this is not working for me. i want to destroy myself. just not in the way you think.

there will be time for life and happiness and a content existence.

that time is not now, though.

i hope this kills me.

< frozen - melting >