nothingness

i don't know why i am the way i am. it sucks, doesn't it?

the thing is, i don't even know why i do a lot of the things that i do. seriously. after some time, someone will inadvertently point something out and ask the question. and you know what? i won't know why. i rarely do anymore.

i am so flawed that all i see are the marred edges of a clean page.

dead.

hurting. i hurt you, don't i? unintentional, i hope you know. how could i hurt you purposely? why would i even want to?

i acknowledge a lot of my actions do so, though. i act and you react. there is so much misinterpretation going on anymore. can no one just be straight up?

i am too scared of that invisible shadow i never see. the unknown. it drives me crazy. i can't handle.

i am weak.

i am weak.

i am weak.

i am weak.

i am weak.

i am weak.

yes.

this craziness has gone on for so long it's turned normal.

i see you and i see you and i see you and fuck i can't even finish this. pathetic me.

i'm sorry.

i wish i could love you more. i wish i could love you as much as you seem to love me. the truth of the matter is, i'm loving you as much as i can and know how to.

you know me. the emotionally void girl who shys away from affection or feeling.

it's not like i'm trying to kill myself. it's not like i have an eating disorder. it's not like i cut.

i am just alone

in my world

and you can't reach in

do you understand? until i free myself from my self-made prison, you'll never reach me.

in a way, this is harder to diagnos than most common teenage afflictions.

what is the real problem here?

i had it all figured out in my head earlier, but now it doesn't even seem worth addressing.

i'm not like i was 4 years ago. yes, those were bad times. i can't even articulate the kind of emotion i felt back then.

everything was so intense. one word and i would break. tears were a common action with me.

i hated life so passionately it gave me a reason to live.

now i'm so jaded with it i try and find excuses to cross that street during a green light.

don't worry, though. i'm too uninterested in myself to really go at it seriously.

i remember the emotional days. i wonder what happened to them. i craved feelings of acceptance, love, freedom.. so many things. and when they were mine - finally mine -i realized i would never be happy.

i have all that i thought would make me happy. and i realized those thoughts i had were false and disilusioned.

just as i am.