complex emotions

the human thinking is so mundane yet complex at the same time. it's hard fathoming the complexity of our emotions. how deeply ingrained our surroundings affect certain situations.

at one moment we're at the brink of suicide and then the other we can't even bring ourselves to care.

numb

unfeeling

so many combinations of different feelings. sometimes it's hard to sift through what's genuine or what's self-imposed.

i don't feel surprised. i don't feel remorse. i don't feel sad.

i can't. i've already felt these emotions tenfold over and over and over and over and over and fucking over.

my emotions are overused.

therefore, there is nothing more for me to feel. i don't care to feel. when i do feel, the usual is guilt or sadness. i can live without either.

there is an underlying sadness, though. this sadness stems from the realization that i don't care to feel. the realization that nothing ever changes and it probably never will. the realization that if things ever do change, i'll be too far gone to react to it.

i bury the emotions. i write them down or some nights i just cry to myself.

no one knows.

i let you see what i want you to see.

i have an obligation to care. i have made promises. i have said many things.

yet as this moment, i don't care.

you know what else?

i am going to do something and not feel an ounce of guilt.

not one bit.