the puzzle has changed

my mind has been turning.

yes, turning.

it's weird. whenever i'm alone the weirdest thoughts go through my head. i'm almost afraid to take the bus or walk home anymore.

i've basically picked myself apart and am unsure as how i fit back together. so i'm still me, just not the same. the puzzle has been messed up. and i'm too impatient to take the time to put it back like it was. i wasn't even happy with it previously. i don't think the pattern was even right.

so now i find myself questioning me, my ethics, my beliefs.

everything's changed.

i'm trying to take the open approach rather than the narrow minded view.

but then my old beliefs clash with what my thoughts are now. without someone to guide me, to look up to, i find myself hopelessly lost.

i've always been lost. i just used to tell myself i wasn't.

i am such a big denier and repressor.

i think so, anyway.

it was my way of coping when i was younger. but now it's more of a hindrance than anything now. i need to let go of all that past crap. i thought i did. maybe i haven't.

questions, questions.

i want meaning in my life. meaning in one's life means something different for each individual. like love, success, being famous, pursuing something they enjoy, etc. i don't know if what i'm looking for falls into any of those categories.

i don't know if it even has a category. i'm still searching for what i'm looking for. and when i find it, i'll know.

i feel there is potential in me for something. like i'm capable of doing so much more than my life has shown for. it just seems a big waste to me. most of my life? a waste.

i'm not depressed or anything. rather, i'm in more or less a thoughtful mood mixed with a bit of sadness.

i had this all figured out in my head yesterday. i should have written it down when it came to me but i was sick and didn't have the strength.

maybe this is just the first step. realizing that i don't fit.

well, now.

here comes the real adventure.