first step to change

i'm not happy with how things are.

i don't want to be depressed. i want to be happy.

enough of the miserable bullshit. it's not working for me. truth be told, it probably never was.

so now i am going to make an effort to be what i project myself to be among others. i will be that.

screw the past. now is now. the past and future are non-existent. only now is real...right?

i will stop regretting. i will stop doing things that make me regret. i am alive and i'm thankful for that. i do have a purpose and i will fulfill that purpose. things will get better.

it's all about mind set.

i know there will be downfalls. i will stop myself from indulging in them, though. why do i want to wallow in sadness? is it because i deserve it? or do i get some sick satisfaction out of masochistic behavior?

i've realized happiness is not fake. it only is if you don't feel it. the happiness i've been experiencing has been fake. only because i made it fake. it could have been real. i just wouldn't allow that, though. and i'm sorry...

i've been pumping messages in my head that tell me happiness is a status i will never attain. well, i will. and it will be real. all this time i talked about it being fake and the only reason it was fake is because i made it so. it was all me and i never even saw it.

i see it now.

i have so much to be thankful for. why did i purposely blind myself to that?

i don't know what's been wrong with me.

i'm sorry to those i've worried. the fact that people have even worried should have told me that i'm not alone...

maybe this is what it's all about. isolation. it's overrated.

we are all capable of so much. i look at humans as a whole and wonder, why do we put ourselves through so much unnecessary suffering?

this is just the first step.

i don't have to be some sort of giddy, bubbly person to be happy. i just want to be content with life and myself. peace. to me, this is happiness.

i feel content right now.

it feels so beautiful.