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oct 04, 2001 9:03 a.m.

touch/flames...pain/gone

this is really happening.

i act so differently around everyone than i actually feel. i don't understand why. it's like there's two sides of me and people only see that one side.

it's not like a "happy" or "sad" side. i can't explain it. with some people i know i come off as this really happy/funny girl. few know the other side. and even those few don't know how deep this really goes.

it goes deeper than even i thought. if my emotions weren't so numbed i might feel frightened right now.

i can't seem to feel anything to its absolute extent. even when i'm happy it seems only half. the same with depression. i can't even feel depressed like i used to.

everything i feel lacks animation or color. it's like a cheap imitation of the real thing.

the people i love.. god, i don't know. it's like i'm losing myself. i'm not the same. slowly but surely anything which requires feeling seems to matter less and less to me.

i'm disappointed.

it's like the more i come to understand myself the more distant i become with the real things in life.

i'm losing feeling.

now that i look back at myself, i always remember, even as a little girl, how i wanted control over my emotions. i didn't want to feel. i hated the crying, the hurt, the misery...

i'm getting my wish, i guess.

what was supposed to be the end result of that wish? all i feel is empty. but is that even a feeling? empty is nothing. how can i feel nothing? i can be vaguely aware of its existence but...

...

to the edge and back i will go. where will i stop?

not even i know.

< frozen - melting >