this is more real than you know

i think i need to be honest.

i've either said or given off the impression that what i write in here means nothing.

this isn't so.

if that was the case, everything i write in here would be meaningless... i would be meaningless. what i write is who i am. this is the stuff i can't say outloud. the feelings and emotions i can't even begin to verbalize publicly.

it's all real. maybe all too real for you, but it's who i am. i'm sorry if it scares you. i'm sorry if you don't understand it.

everything i write in here is true. it's probably the most real thing about me.

don't worry, i will continue to smile for you. i will be happy. you will see this. all the while, i will know this.

when did breathing seem to take too much effort. when did i start feeling like this.

i'm not even sad.

i think this is just realization. another upon another. each one.. each one just seems to make things seem so much more meaningless. maybe this is all meaningless. maybe i am meaningless.

i'm afraid to be me around you.

is that so wrong? the girl with low self-esteem. people always assume that can't be. i find it so.. so incredibly funny. there's humor to be found in most things if you just look for it. i'm looking for the humor in this right now.

i'm not even sad.

this isn't happening.

no, it is. accept it already. this isn't some dream you will wake from. this is reality. your reality. you've made it. stop depending on negatives to give you positives. stop lying to yourself.

i crawl into my shell when the dream becomes all too real. wake me, wake me, wake me, please?

please?

no..

my pleas have fallen on deaf ears once again.

it's ok, though.

i think that's how i want it.