dissection I

so i've come to a conclusion.

i think there are 2 categories in which people fall.

normal people aside.

1) the category which over-emotional people fall. the ones that are dependent on the idea that they need a partner. the people that think their worth is based on a relationship. the ones who desperately find people to love them and either end up being too needy when they find someone, or near suicidal when they don't.

2) the category of people that don't go looking for partners every second. the ones that are unsatisfied with the idea that they have to have a relationship. the people that struggle with the notion of actually being with someone. the people that have an inner fear of rejection to the ones they love and would rather watch the objects of their affection from a distance than risk what they see as inevitable pain.

i know i happen to categorize people alot. hell, i'm guilty of categorizing myself. i guess this is my own diminutive way of feeling like i know myself or the actions of an outcome due to personality.

with that said, i think i fall into category 2. i don't like this. i don't want to be in either categories. i want to be, what's that word? normal.

or do i?

i constantly wrestle with the fact that i, in fact, come up short to my own standards. so why must i expect others to measure up when i cannot? i think this is unfair. but then again, life rarely is.

i think both categories will ultimately lead to destructive or non-successful relationships. you have no idea how much this saddens me. it's like, no matter how much i try, i can't change who i am. i think people can change a little bit if enough effort is put into the action, but no matter how hard you try, you'll never change fully.

what a lovely concept, huh?

genetics and influence in ones life has such a great impact on the emotional state of a person. i wonder if this is the reason why i am so unemotional when it comes to relationships. i think the thing is i come off as that, but deep down, i'm not.

i am not about to go blaming whatever parental figures for the way i am. i will, however, acknowledge the fact that it influenced my way of thinking. for some reason, i find it necessary to hide my feelings, never cry in front of people(if at all), and show as little dependence on people as possible.

why is this, i wonder?

it's like, i always have to put this tough front up for people to hide my own inadequacies about myself. and this is basically what it's all about. my own low opinion of myself. i don't understand how people see me in one way, and i see myself in another.

i act tough to cover my insecurity.

i hide my emotions to hide my weakness.

i feel unemotional, because i can't allow myself to accept feelings other than negative, inside.

and when i say can't, i can't.

wanna know why?

read on.