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apr 20, 2001 9:29 p.m.

caught again

ach.

busted again.

he's getting nice about it lately, though. when i say "he" or "him" i am referring to the parental figure in my life as of now. if you can call him that. well, i guess that's unfair to say.

fine, parental figure it is.

atleast the lectures and what not haven't been occuring as i previously thought they would. could this be a good sign? well, regardless, i won't hold my breath just yet. i don't trust him. he doesn't trust me. you can't really blame anyone. it's just how it is.

and when i say "is" i am referring to one's daily reality. however, your reality and mine may be 2 totally different states of minds. on one hand, there's the life in which you perceive. and on the other hand, there's my hell which i continually force myself to analyze.

which brings me to my own little existence. and the drive which forces me to continue on.

it is the ineveitable death that i live for.

but i guess i got off the point, didn't i? yes, yes... happens to the best/worst of us. i don't think i am in either of those categories, though.

why is he taking these things so lightly? it scares me almost. it's like, what does he know that i don't that would make him go so easy on me? is it the information i have on him that he could see as potentially damaging to him? does he think i would sink as low as to reveal things which are, in actuality, nothing?

i wonder.

i guess he could see it as me being far worse. and as that may be the case...

i could see myself being far better.

< frozen - melting >